Accidental Saints, Nadia Bolz-Weber

Nadia Bolz-Weber is the pastor of a Lutheran church in Denver.  Amazon describes her as, “Tattooed, angry and profane,” awesome. Amazon goes on to describe the book: “this former standup comic turned pastor stubbornly, sometimes hilariously, resists the God she feels called to serve. But God keeps showing up in the least likely of people—a church-loving agnostic, a drag queen, a felonious Bishop and a gun-toting member of the NRA.”

I started reading the moment I opened the package, and within five minutes she had used the words a**hole and Jesus on the same page and I knew she was my kind of girl.  I just feel bonded to her.  We all need a little bit of edge.

At one point she tells a story about when she was asked to speak at a youth conference and she freaked because she doesn’t know how to talk to teens, only adults.  And I thought to myself, wouldn’t it be great if that was my problem?  Unfortunately our talents are reversed, and my hope is that one day I will learn how to speak to adults.

One Thousand Wells, Jena Lee Nardella

So part of my whole “becoming an adult” thing is figuring out where and how to give.  I am thrilled to be able to commit to supporting one of the organizations that I’ve given to sporadically for several years, Blood:Water.  Blood:Water builds wells in countries and villages affected by HIV and AIDS.  Over the past ten years they have built over 1,00 wells and have brought relief to countless people.  Their co-founder recently published her memoir, and I’m really excited to read it.  (You get a free signed copy if you sign up for a new monthly donation right now!)  I haven’t started it yet, but I will keep you posted.

Why Not Me?  Mindy Kaling

I just love Mindy Kaling.  Seriously.  How can you not?  She has written yet another series of essays and I can’t think of a single reason why to not pour myself a glass of wine (or two) and spend a night laughing with Mindy/by myself.  Hey Amy Poehler, can you write a second book too?  Plz?

The Girl on the Train, Paula Hawkins

I finished this one a few weeks ago.  It was good, once I got into it, but quite honestly, I forgot I had read it until I just saw it on my Amazon orders list.  It was a good read, and the end had me hooked, but all in all nothing too memorable.

She Reads Truth: Daniel

This is the most recent study I’m in the midst of.  It’s a 19 day study but I will exercise humility and let you know that it has taken me much longer than the scheduled 19 days.  It’s been great though, and maybe it’s just the mountains whispering to my heart, but I think this one might be the most beautiful design yet.  As always, the book is meant to go along with the free online study, and you don’t need the book at all to do it.  Join me?

GRE Premier 2016

Well… it looks like I made it a solid four months out of school before deciding I’m ready to go back.  What the what.  I signed up to take my GRE on November 12th and am hoping to head back to UT for grad school next year.  Teaching + going back to school sounds like a good idea, right…? 😳😳😳 Someone come teach me how to do math so I can pass this test.

A few others I am wanting to read...

The Kite Runner: I know I’m way late to the game on this one (like, years late), but I keep seeing And The Mountains Echoed everywhere, and I feel like I should read The Kite Runner first, even if out of obligation.

Same thing with Go Set a Watchman, I’ve read To Kill A Mockingbird, but it was a long time ago and I should reread before I decide to pick that one up.

In the classroom…

In my classroom, we are making our way through Wonder for read aloud as a whole class, while small groups are making their way through When You Reach Me, A Wrinkle in Time, and Ender’s Game.  Check out the teaching blog for more on that.  (These books are also littered around my apartment as I simultaneously weave together all of their plot lines in a feeble attempt to keep up with each of my students.)

Looking for suggestions on…

I am really looking for a good book about the Holocaust.  This summer I devoured The Book Thief and All The Light We Cannot See.  Anybody have another good suggestion?  I’m also looking for a Holocaust book I can read with my class.  We should be starting our Holocaust & World War II unit in October.  I’m so excited to teach such important topics.

As always, send your recommendations my way!  There is nothing I love more than a good book. :)

In the hurricane of this changing and rearranging, it feels like Jesus is changing too.

I once told you about the best ways to train yourselves to wake up for 5am or 6am quiet times, the best ways to get into a rhythm with coffee and your Bible.  Right now, that is laughable.  Do I wake up for 5am quiet times?  Nope.  Do I wake up at 6am?  I certainly do, and I jump in the shower and race to work.  I’ll put on some worship music in the car, but that’s about the extent of it.

It’s a combination of things, I think.  My “real life” starting, church hopping for a year and a half finally wearing me out, my community in Young Life being gone, and a million other things.  Under the weight of all these changes, it just feels like the Jesus I used to know is so far away.  It feels like in my busyness and adjusting, I have left my relationship with Christ behind me.

And this is when I need to stop and breathe.  Stop, and remember the things that I know to be true.

Jesus is more than a feeling.

Jesus is the living, breathing God, and He does not change based on how I feel about Him.

Even when I don’t have time for Jesus, He has time for me.

When it feels like I am stuck in place, Jesus is still chasing me relentlessly and tirelessly.

Jesus defeated death, He can also defeat post grad life.

I don’t know what a relationship with Jesus looks like in the post grad place that I’m in.  I don’t know what it looks like to invite Him into a life that seems so jam packed already.  I don’t know how to gracefully balance time with Christ and the early morning hours of a teacher.

But I know that my Jesus is the same as he was six months ago.  I know that my Jesus loves me and pursues me and cares for me more than I can ever imagine, just as He always has.  I know that His love for me does not change based on my diligence in opening my Bible, nor did He leave my side when I stepped down from being a Young Life leader.

I’m figuring out what the rhythm of this new life looks like, but I can cling to the truth of Hebrews 13:8, “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.”

Jesus, thank you that you are bigger than anything I can conceive.  Thank you that when everything changes, you are constant.  Thank you that you love me and you died for me and your plans are greater than mine. Thank you that you meet me where I need you most, even when I don’t recognize it.  Thank you for your faithfulness in the midst of my questioning.  Wrap me up in your arms, bring me back to you.  Amen.

The Warren Fellowship at the Holocaust Museum Houston:  As crazy as this sounds, this might have be been my favorite week all summer.  I have wanted to write something about it all summer, and I still just don’t have the words.  I have been forever changed by the things I learned and people I met.  Meeting Naomi Warren, a Holocaust survivor, and her family, was an incredibly powerful experience, as was hearing from so many authors, scholars, historians, and educators.  I am forever indebted to everyone who made the fellowship possible.

Naomi Warren & the 2015 Warren Fellows

Europe:  Oh, to be a world traveler.  The one thing I learned was how much I still have to learn.  It felt as if I could spend all year traveling Europe and I still wouldn’t have learned enough.  Every city we went to, we would hear about where other people had been and what they had seen, and I quickly realized there just wasn’t enough time to see it all.  We went to Rome, Tuscany, Sorrento, Capri Island, Paris, and Munich.  Each stop was beautiful and absolutely breathtaking in its own unique way.

Tuscany, Italy

Munich, Germany

Wilderness:  I never expected to find so much freedom in guiding as a third year.  The moment I stepped foot on trail, it was as if there was nothing else we could possibly worry about.  For the first time, the trail was my comfort zone, my safety net.  I knew those mountains and I knew those trails and there was nothing that we couldn’t conquer.  It was beautiful and powerful and Jesus showed up in big ways just like He always does.

Mount Princeton

Follow-up from my summer reading list:

I loved The Invention of Wings, and naively didn’t realize until halfway through it that it was based on real people.  Remember learning about the Grimke sisters in school?  I didn’t remember, either, but their story is awesome and so woman-empowering and I am so into woman-empowering right now.  I had about 8 delays and a cancelled flight on my way to Rome, so I read this one almost entirely in the airport.  It was great, and I highly recommend it.

I accidentally stumbled upon A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, fell in love with it, and got onto a Donald Miller kick.  I don’t know why it took me so long to read his books.  He has my stamp of approval.  He’s Christian but he doesn’t sound Christian-y and I like that.

Searching for Sunday changed the way I think about everything.  It was like finally someone was using all of the words that I have had jumbled up inside of me for so long.  I have fallen in love with Rachel Held Evans and wish I had sooner.  She’s a badass and we can all learn from her boldness and honesty.  I now follow her on all social media outlets and you should too.  Why can’t all Christians be so cool?

I’m currently absorbed in The Book Thief, and have made it halfway through its 520 pages in two days.  I don’t know if I’m supposed to recommend a book before I finish it, but I’m going to.  Read it.

Papertowns:  I didn’t like it, as predicted.  I still want to finish, I’m about a third of the way through, but I can’t promise I’ll make it to the end.  The Book Thief has priority right now.

I read the first 15 pages of Americanah and couldn’t get into it.  I wanted to, I really did.  Hopefully I will pick it back up again.

The First Days of School:  I started reading this to get ready for my first year teaching, and it’s been crazy helpful.  Not the most captivating, obviously, but I’m thankful for a little guidance right now.  I’ll share some more info on how I’m preparing for my first year on my teaching blog.

That’s it, folks.  Nothing super captivating or beautifully written, just a needed catch up post so that we can get to pretty words later.  Stay posted during this time of transition as I start my first year teaching. Ms. Green’s first day of school is August 3rd…eeek!!

August 6th, 2014

A week from today, I will be headed back to Austin, hurdling away from the slow-paced mountain life that I have come to know and love so much, and speeding full throttle towards the high paced, unbearably busy life of a college student/student teacher/young life leader.

So today, I spent the day the best way possible.  By myself.  I laid a blanket out in the park, grabbed a latte and some pizza, and spent the entire day reading The Chronicles of Narnia.  Because at a moment sometime very soon, these sweet moments of rest will be long gone, left behind with the mountains.  And I needed one last taste.

I can’t begin to describe the mix of emotions bubbling up inside of me.  This summer has been one of redemption and growth and beauty.  Fears conquered.  Challenges overcome.  New dreams awakened.  Drawn nearer and nearer to the feet of Jesus.  There’s a lump welling up in my throat at the realization that this is the close of my time at Wilderness Ranch.

Wilderness has been a home for me.  A place that has seen who I am and challenged me to become more.  A place where I have met and grown close to some of my closest friends, and a place where I have grown even closer to friends who have been by my side since before double digits.  A place full of laughter, grace, and unyielding faith.  A place where I have been fully known and fully loved, and a place that has left me utterly and completely changed.

I spent my last week on trail trying to cherish every moment.  Not always successful, but attempted.  The last camp fire, the last peak day, the last serving of chicken dinner.  Each time not fully being able to process what it meant.  And now here I sit, trying to struggle through it again.

I don’t know if this is the end of my time at Wilderness; I hope that it’s not.  But senior year quickly approaches, and graduation and a job follow soon after, and friends are getting married, and people are moving, and life is changing.  In the Chronicles of Narnia, C.S. Lewis says that Aslan is “always on the move.”  And so it is with life, and with Jesus.  This life is never static, never stationary.  Always moving and changing and winding down an unknown path.  Jesus has new plans and new adventures and new fears to overcome.  And right now, following that path, His path, means jumping in a car and heading back to Austin.

To Wilderness Ranch and all of those who have loved and lived to make it what it is: thank you.  Thank you for loving me and believing in me and forcing me to run faster than I want to.  Thank you for discipling me and growing me and never letting me give up.  Thank you for trusting me in situations in which I would never trust myself.  Thank you for putting me in a places where I could be used by Jesus.  Thank you for giving me a stage to meet and love and be transformed by high school girls.  Thank you for saying yes, for taking a risk on the insecure, unsure, broken girl who naively asked to be a guide two years ago.  You have been at my back, pushing me, yelling at me, praying for me, and encouraging me, both literally and figuratively, for two years.  You have transformed a scared little girl into a woman of the Lord and a minister of the gospel.

As I walk away from Wilderness and into “real life,” (although I am convinced that there will never be any life more real than what’s lived on a mountain), I walk away as a woman of confidence and courage, ready to live life to the fullest.  Because life is not lived on the peak, but rather, in the valleys.  And as I tearfully descend back into the lower regions, I am better because of it.  Because I know what is above, and my eyes will forever see through new lenses.  Because I know what it is like to be afraid, and to be brave, and to live in true community, and lessons learned here are not easily forgotten.

So thank you.  Thank you for making me a better person, a person truer to the woman Christ designed me to be.  Thank you for being the hands and feet of Jesus, molding me into who I am.  I don’t know all that lies ahead, but I know that as this season of life comes to a close, a new one is opening, and I can walk into it with the confidence of one who has been face to face with the glory and grace of her Creator.

For more words on Wilderness, go here.

Two hundred years ago, scripture was used to justify the forcible removal and subsequent slaughter of thousands of Native Americans.  Today this is remembered as genocide.

One hundred years ago, scripture was used to justify the implementation and continuation of slavery within our country, the land of the free and the brave.

Fifty years ago, scripture was used to justify Jim Crow laws, further marginalizing a population due to their skin color.

Scripture is, and always has been, used to further marginalize the marginalized populations for which we should be standing up for.  We have used to words of God to justify hate, greed, and intolerance.  Today we look back at these events with disgust and shame, while moving onto a new population to point fingers at.

Last week I read an article titled “Bruce Jenner is Not a Hero,” and that was the last straw.  The author, Suzanne, essentially said that Bruce Jenner becoming Caitlyn Jenner was not brave, it was a disrespect to the way he was created in God’s image.

I don’t know if this is true or not.  I don’t know what God thinks about the transformation many transgender individuals choose to go through.  I don’t know what God thinks about boob jobs, for that matter.  But frankly, I don’t give a sh*t if you don’t agree with Bruce Jenner becoming Caitlyn Jenner. What I care about is proclaiming the name of Christ in a way that is good and just and loving.  (And yes, I realize I just said sh*t in the same paragraph as Christ and good and just and loving, but this is me flipping over the tables at the temple courts right now.)

Hear me, hear this.  I absolutely believe that Caitlyn Jenner was created in the image of God.  I believe that we were all created in the image of God.  But I have no right to even pretend to understand the struggle that those in the LGBQT community face.  I have no right to tell them what they are allowed to do with their bodies, who they are allowed to marry, or why what they are doing is right or wrong.

As a white, upper middle class, educated, Christian, heterosexual, able-bodied woman, dripping with privilege, (replace woman with man in that list & I’d really have it all), I cannot begin to understand what it is like to live in the margins of our society.  I cannot begin to understand what it is like to wake up every morning and to know that I am an outsider.

I am not on the outside.  I am on the inside, and it is people on the inside who have power. So now,  what am I, a woman on the inside, called to do for those on the outside?  This goes beyond Caitlyn Jenner, this goes beyond the transgender community.  It extends to the pool party incident, and Ferguson, and human rights.

We must stand up for the marginalized.  We must stand up and say that something in our society is wrong, something in our faith has been perverted, because we are called to fight for compassion and humanity and love and peace, and when I look around, that’s just not what I see happening.  I see Christians trying to control and condemn, and in many cases being applauded for their bravery to speak in such a way.

What would the world look like if we fought for justice of instead of spewing hateful words at those whose struggles we can’t understand?  What would it look like if we used scripture to justify the way we love people, and what if we extended that definition of people to include all people?

It is scary to approach a subject we do’t understand.  It is scary to wrestle with quesitons.  It’s scary to learn about something that doesn’t fit into our cognitive schema.  I get it, I really do.  It’s hard to realize that we may not have all of the answers.  But think about what a different world we could live in if Christians were willing to listen before they speak, if we, as Christians, were willing to wrestle with issues that make us uncomfortable, if we were willing to replace our pointing fingers with open palms.

We need to stand up.  We need to scream and shout and tell the world that something isn’t right.  We have introduced far too many people to a Jesus of our own creation, and have withheld from them the Jesus who spent his time with prostitutes and tax collectors.  At His table, there is room for everyone.  You and me and Caitlyn Jenner and Michael Brown and the Ferguson Police Department.  Sinners and screw ups, all of us.

If you’ve been following along since the beginning, then you know that my little baby of a blog has only been around since November.  I am amazed at what God has done since then, and I am so thankful for all of the readers that have joined the adventure.  Who knew that anyone other than my mom would ever read this…?!  I’ve never kept up with a blog over the summer, and my schedule will be so different, so I just wanted to provide a heads up for what is to come.

The summer ahead of me is full of travel and adventure and hopefully some really great stories.  I leave for Houston right after graduation, where I will be spending a week at the Holocaust Museum as part of the Warren Fellowship.  I will be spending the week with Holocaust survivors and learning the best teaching practices when approaching such a delicate and powerful subject with students.  My hope is that I will be blogging over at my teaching blog during this time.  (side note: I call this “my teaching blog” because the actual name of it is mseringreen.wordpress.com, and I’m bitter that there is an taken & inactive msgreen.com that I can’t use.  Ugh.  The injustice of life.)   Teachers, follow along there if you’re interested!

June 1st I am jumping on a plane with just a backpack and heading to ROME with one of my best friends!  AHHH.  I am so pumped for this.  We will be staying in hostels, exploring Italy and venturing up to Paris and Munich.  Can. Not. Freaking. Wait.  !!!  Little is planned, but much will happen.

June 18th I jump back on a plane and fly straight from Munich, Germany to the place that my heart will forever call home, Wilderness Ranch.  I’ll be back in the mountains, guiding high schoolers on weeklong backpacking trips through the San Juan mountains outside of Creede, Colorado.  I have more things to write about here than I do anywhere else, but internet access and time to sit and write is limited.  My hope is that I will be able to write a lot, but posting will probably be sporadic.

I’ll be at Wilderness for as long as I possibly can, soaking up every moment, before I head home and start setting up my classroom and moving into my apartment on August 1st!

So all of this to say, who really knows what will end up on this blog for the next three months?  I’ll post as much as I can, but it’s going to be pretty unpredictable.  If you want to follow along despite the lack of scheduled posts, Instagram is going to be your best bet.

I hope that your summer is full of popsicles and gelato and snocones and sand volleyball and scandalous summer fling kisses and adventure and tan bodies and freckled faces.  I have the highest hopes for mine.  Talk to you soon.

As resistant as I am to it, it’s actually been pretty fun to load up the Kindle with all of the books I want to take.  Although I have been shocked at the prices, why am I paying $12 for a book that I can’t put on a shelf?!  I was expecting like $4.  I guess I have been out of the loop for awhile.

Anyways, I thought I would share my summer reads with you.  Here they are!

Savor: Living Abundantly Where You Are, As You Are, Shauna Niequist

This one has been on my list (and everyone else’s, for that matter) since months before its prerelease.  #basicchristianwhitegirl   But I hadn’t ordered it because I convinced myself that I didn’t need another devotional at that moment, and I should really save the $15, and it was backordered.  BUT, it went on sale the other day (buy the hardcover and get the kindle edition for $1), so of course, I bought them both.  Shauna Nequit is my favorite author and mentor writer, and her newest book is a devotional, providing a short scripture and devo for every day of the year.  I’m excited to read a few with my morning coffee in Italy.

 Americanah, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie is the bad*** girl who gives the feminist speech at the beginning of Beyonce’s flawless.  This book was on my “maybe I’ll read” list, until I realized who the author was, and then it shot up to my “going to read” list.  You can check out the Amazon page, but the awards are endless. Seriously.  Here is the Amazon preview:

“Ifemelu and Obinze are young and in love when they depart military-ruled Nigeria for the West. Beautiful, self-assured Ifemelu heads for America, where despite her academic success, she is forced to grapple with what it means to be black for the first time. Quiet, thoughtful Obinze had hoped to join her, but with post-9/11 America closed to him, he instead plunges into a dangerous, undocumented life in London. Fifteen years later, they reunite in a newly democratic Nigeria, and reignite their passion—for each other and for their homeland.”

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie also has a $2 Kindle exclusive called “We Should All Be Feminists.”  I’m down.

The Invention of Wings, Sue Monk Kidd

This is one of those books that I want to read for me as well as for my students.  Sue Monk Kidd is the same author who wrote The Secret Life of Bees, which I absolutely loved in ninth grade.  I’ll give you a snippet from the Amazon preview:

“…a masterpiece of hope, daring, the quest for freedom, and the desire to have a voice in the world.  Hetty “Handful” Grimke, an urban slave in early nineteenth century Charleston, yearns for life beyond the suffocating walls that enclose her within the wealthy Grimke household. The Grimke’s daughter, Sarah, has known from an early age she is meant to do something large in the world, but she is hemmed in by the limits imposed on women.”

That was enough for me.  I’ll let you know how it turns out!  (I have a feeling it’ll be good.)

Paper Towns, John Green

Okay, so I didn’t like The Fault in Our Stars (the only other thing I’ve read by John Green.)  But, I’m not about to see a movie without reading the book first, and I do want to see this movie.  Even though I didn’t like his other book, this one looks really good.  I hope I haven’t been deceived by the teen targeted media…    Also Sarah told me John Green has a sweet youtube channel, (did everyone know about this?!), which isn’t for teens at all.  I haven’t watched anything yet, but I’m intrigued.

Wearing God, Lauren F. Winner

This purchase hurt my heart, it really did.  $15 for a book I will never hold… and the hardcover is $20.  I am a poor girl but I have wanted to read this book since it came out, so I bit the bullet.  I read just the sample part and was hooked, so I knew that it was a purchase I needed to make.

Lauren Winner dives into different metaphors of God.  Who is He?  How do we see Him?  I think this book will not only open my eyes to a deeper understanding of God, but a deeper level of spiritual writing.

Deeply Rooted Magazine

This one isn’t on my Kindle, but I downloaded these $7 digital copies to my iPad.  If you follow me on Facebook, you might have seen me post about this magazine a month or so ago.  I am obsessed.  The articles cover a variety of topics on Christian womanhood, but ultimately all point back to Jesus. The photography is beautiful, and everything is just put together so beautifully that I want to leave it on my coffee table forever.  But not only is it beautiful, it is good.  When I ordered my first copy, I read every article before I set it down.  I am so excited to devour the other 4 issues that I haven’t read yet.

There are a ton of other books on my to-read list, many of which I hope to pick up this summer.  Among them are:

Searching for Sunday, Rachel Held Evans

All the Light We Cannot See, Anthony Doer

Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?  Mindy Kaling

The Maze Runner, James Dashner

What are you reading this summer?  What else should I add to my list?  As always, send me your critiques and recommendations!

Amidst the encouraging comments and shares and exciting buzz, there were a handful of negative comments.  Quite a few people asked, “how do you have time to blog while teaching?!”  Most of these questions were passive aggressive, suggesting that I was being irresponsible/bringing personal work into the classroom.  I have three responses to this question.  Number one, I wrote that article as a student teacher, there were days when I had more time than I knew what to do with.  So to put it eloquently, hop off.  Number two, I wrote that part of that post while in the classroom.  What writer sits down and writes a whole piece to perfection in one sitting?  Maybe some do, but certainly not me, and that’s not the writing process we teach our students either.  I started that post in the classroom, and finished it sitting on my bed, where most of my writing happens.

Thirdly, and this is the more important response, it is important and valuable for us, as teachers, to write in the classroom.  More than that, it is important for us to showcase to our students all of the skills that we are trying to convince them are important to hold on to as lifelong learners.  If I tell my students that writing is valuable, and then they never see me writing, what are my words worth?

I write in the classroom because I want my students to see the power that words hold.  I write in the classroom because I want to invite my students in to a world made better by the responsible expression of feelings.  I want my students to live in a world where they know they can be heard, where they know that words will bring about power and freedom and joy and change.

I have a confession: right now, as I type this, I am….in the classroom.  There are students in here,  *gasp* and they are engaged in their own writing projects.  They walk up to me and ask what I’m writing about, and I walk up to them and ask what they’re writing about.  When I was published on the Huffington Post, we shared that joy together and I read it aloud to them.  They have asked me several times this week I have written anything new yet, and many of them have explored my blog on their own time.  Yesterday I was able to share a piece of my writing with a student to use as a mentor text, and it was so exciting for both of us.

I write in the classroom because our classroom is a community in which we take risks, chase our dreams, and share our true selves with each other.  My true self is my best self, and I want to share my best self with my students.  And my true self, my best self, is full of ideas and words and phrases that just must be written down.  And what a valuable experience it is for ten and eleven year olds to firsthand witness the compulsive habits of someone who finds identity in being a writer.

It is widely accepted that everyone learns differently, so why is it so hard to accept that everyone teaches differently?  I cannot imagine teaching in a class restricted by four walls and everyone else’s idea of what teaching should be.

Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go conference with a student about my writing before it’s published.

Last week was my last week of college, and official graduation is twelve days away.  (Actually, I’m an August grad because the College of Education advising blows, but we can talk about that later) .  But as graduation approaches and everyone posts their last celebratory instagram, throwing up a “hook ’em” after taking their last final or walking out of their last class on the great 40 acres, I have yet to catch on to the sentimental spirit.

Maybe it’s because I transitioned straight from my last day student teaching into full-time substituting, or maybe it’s because my last class on UT campus was actually three semesters ago, but for some reason, I just don’t feel sentimental.  I don’t feel like my goodbyes should be tear-filled, or moving out of my house should be a dramatic ordeal.

Thursday night, sitting around a table in the tiny courtyard of my best friends’ east Austin home, I realized why.  Because life isn’t ending.  Jesus promises us a life of adventure, if only we would look for it.  He promises us new bends and turns in our roads, surprises around every corner.  Life doesn’t end when we graduate college, just as it didn’t end when we graduated high school or graduated from using pull-ups.

Next year will look different.  Come August, I will be living in a one bedroom apartment, working a full time job, no longer leading Young Life, paying all of my own bills, and jumping headfirst into adulthood.  But as this new season approaches, and as I trade in my eleven roommates and Monday night dance parties for clean dishes and early bedtimes,  I want to look at it as just that: a new season.  Not the end of life as we know it, not a reason for panic attacks and dread towards adult responsibilities.  Just a new season,  a new chapter in the beautiful book that Christ has written for me, a storyline that I trust completely.  He has never failed before, and I don’t believe for a moment that the day I graduate college is the day He stops having great plans for me.

Sitting on coolers made into make shift chairs, drinking wine and pulling steak off of kabobs, Christmas lights twinkling above us, I was reminded of the goodness of our Creator.  The goodness and grace of a Creator and Savior who whispers in my ear, “I’m not finished yet.”  And I believe Him.  Deep down into the depths of my heart, I really, truly believe Him.  I believe that the best is yet to come.

I can only imagine that ten years from now,  new spouses and babies will be joining us at that table.  The joys and heartbreaks and successes that will be shared around our tables are unimaginable: babies and book publishings, new jobs and graduate degrees, new homes and paychecks that allow us to upgrade our drink choices from Cupcake to cocktails.  Life will be shared around our tables for many years to come, and these people and these relationships, whether they began in Pre-K or in college, will be woven throughout the pages of my life for as long as I am living.

And now, I am crying.  Not because I miss what we’re leaving behind, but because I cannot even begin to imagine the goodness that is ahead.

This weekend I went to a brunch with one of my favorite momma friends and a couple of her employees.  She is a wonderful boss of a wonderful company, and sitting around a table eating tartlets and fancy poached eggs and drinking bottomless mimosas, I thought, I wish I didn’t want to be a teacher.  Because if I didn’t want to be a teacher, I would want to work here.  I would want to sleep in past 6 and write pretty words on a pretty blog and go to brunches and have real conversations with women over the age of 10.  And that’s where I get disappointed, because I do want to be a teacher.

For some insane reason, I want to be here.  I want to be exactly where I am, sitting in this classroom, surrounded by construction paper and broken pencils and spilled apple sauce.  I want to read storybooks and sit criss cross on the carpet and have thirty minute meetings about how to show empathy.

Life would be easier if I chose a different profession.  I know that.  Life would be easier if I chose a job I could walk away from at the end of the day, a job where I could put in my 8 hours and head home without giving the lives of 44 others a second thought.  Life would be easier if I worked with adults, rather than ill-behaved  fifth graders.  Life would be easier if my work friends didn’t have to ask my permission to go to the bathroom, and if I never needed to have a confrontation about the amount of febreeze that is needed to make a room smell better.  (spoiler alert: it’s one spray, not the whole bottle)

In sitting down to write this post, I have been interrupted every thirty seconds by the following questions:

Ms. Green, where is the tape?
Ms. Green, can I get water?
Ms. Green, where are the index cards?
Ms Green, can I go to the bathroom?
Ms. Green, will you sign my paper?
Ms. Green, is this right?
Ms. Green, are there any toilet paper rolls?
**wordless interaction: student puts paper and pen in my face, looks at me expectantly**
Ms. Green, so…where are the toilet paper rolls?

Life would be easier if I chose a profession that gave me answers, rather than endless questions.  Life would be easier if I chose a profession that didn’t involve bathroom passes and reporting evidence of lice.

But at the end of the day, coffee spilled down my shirt, marker stains on my palms and mud splattering my shoes, I am full of life.  I am more alive than I was when I began the day.  I am tired, yes, exhausted, yes, wanting a tall glass of wine- yes.  But alive.  Fully and truly alive.  For some inexplicable reason, every fiber of my being is called to be in this classroom with these kids.

My freshman year of college, going through training to be a  Young Life leader, Brett Rodgers would always ask us, “what makes you feel alive?”

Four years later, I have a clear answer to his question: teaching.  Teaching makes me feel alive.

I have found a profession that makes my feet sore and my heart full.  I have found a profession that isn’t okay with the easy route, a profession that forces me to make hard choices and spend way too much time thinking about others.  I have found something that makes me feel profoundly alive, and God willing, I will get to do it for the rest of my life.

So yes, sometimes I wish I didn’t want to be a teacher.  Sometimes I wish I could sleep in past 6 (did I already mention this one?) and make my own hours and wear wedges and not worry about standardized tests.  But at the end of the day, I am thankful.  Thankful for the messy and question filled prepubescent little people who are giving me life.

You might also be interested in reading, “Why I Write in the Classroom,” posted in response to comments on this post.